Hooray!!! I'm
sooo close!
Yesterday I wanted to flip on the television so badly. It was the second time during these 40 days that I really just wanted to 'check out' by watching television. I started craving an episode of The O.C. I was very aware of the reason. There was a lot going on with me emotionally yesterday - I was watching a super-heavy documentary, reading
A New Earth (I *love* it!), and working through the emotions of starting with
ComedySportz. Plus Aunt Flo is due for another visit any day now. Maybe if I had watched some TV I wouldn't have ended up having nightmares last night. Who know.
The
ComedySportz rehearsal was awesome! It is amazing to me how much being an "improver" is bringing up for me emotionally. When I first started taking classes at Salvage
Vanguard (Note: different than
ComedySportz) in September I would leave at the end of class on the verge of tears and sometimes even had to excuse myself from class to have a good cry in the bathroom.
Doing
improv has (gently) forced me to let go of the incredibly high (and unreasonable) expectation of perfection I have for myself. It continues to teach me that it is OK to take risks, to live in the present moment, to be OK with not knowing the end result, and ultimately, to fail. I am better able to play with commitment in a scene I have no idea where it's going because if I fail it's usually a lot funnier than if I were to be hesitant and played it safe. People are paying to see
improvisers take risks and dare to do things that the audience might never try.
Because I am now much more forgiving with myself, I am much more forgiving with others. My expectations are not so high. I've embraced that judging myself and others really is a waste of energy. My new mantra is: "It is what it is." The minute I label something or someone as "good or bad" or "right or wrong" I immediately place limitations on it or them. When I prescribe these limitation it makes me the one in control. I realize I don't need as much control as I once did. In fact, I've gotten in the habit of trusting that the Universe/Source/God will provide me with what I need in each moment. Plus it isn't fair to the thing or person I have decided to control or labeled. It doesn't allow for that thing or person to reveal its/her/his- self to me in each new moment since I have already made up my mind what they are.
This is an incredibly freeing place to be. So much so that now I have energy to spend in areas I've dreamt of exploring. My creativity has been off the charts. I can't help but think my sabbath from television has had something to do with this also. By not watching TV I created space for something else. I didn't have any expectations of what that would be but the things that have presented themselves to me seem thrilling! My business is thriving, I'm taking my performing skills to the next level, I'm researching making a documentary, and I'm dreaming of painting. Plus I am calm, relaxed, centered, and grounded. I am at peace. I no longer feel the anxiety that once imprisoned me. I am free.
